Daylights Savings Accounts
President Bush announced his new Personal Time Accounts For Daylights Savings. “The idea is that each person has the opportunity to set their clocks back 55 minutes instead of the full hour in the spring,” explained Presidential Spokesman M.E. Yezzman. “The government allows you to invest those extra 5 minutes in a governmentally approved time investment plan where it has been shown they earn a higher rate of time over interest.”
"By the time a 20 year old today is ready to retire," explained a time accountant with the American Good Time Organization, a conservative policy advisory group, "he will have earned and saved, on average, three and a half years. Do you honestly think the government could spend your time better than you?"
Opposition leaders argue that such an investment scheme will increase the national time-debt to well over 2.5 centuries. "Though our President would love that" joked the Democratic Representative from Montreal. "That would put him right smack in the middle of the era of hereditary kings named George."
“Let me make this perfectly clear,” Said President Bush in his weekly radio address, “To win the Weird Al tickets you have to be the 13th caller on the Prize Line. Lines are open now. Oh, and in regards to the Daylight Savings Accounts, rest assured these will not affect the current time remaining for today’s retirees or those who will retire within the next ten years. I will not shorten the time of anyone over the age of 50. Those are off limits and not open for discussion.”
Soldiers under the age of 40 are a different matter.
Later, presidential spokesmen explained that, in order to pay for these accounts, he would not shorten any person’s time, he is open to any plan others may suggest including personal leap decades. “People don’t really like being in their 70’s or 80’s anyway. Why not jump straight from 69 to 90. It’s the 90 year olds who get all the respect. We get us a few more Octogenarians and the US may reclaim “oldest living person” once again.”
In dispute Clive Olderman, member of “Octogenarian’s for a easier word to spell that describe people over 80,” an affiliate of the AARP, has disputed the idea of leap decades. The 104 year old Clive said, “Heck, some of the best sex I can remember having happened in my 80s. Of course, I don’t remember much from before then. Still, I wouldn’t want to have given that up.”
Bert Finkalot CPA had another fear with these personalized time accounts. “If I take ten minutes of my year to fill out the federal paperwork that saves me five minutes, what have I really saved?”
Spokesmen for the President call that Lost Time argument a bunch of scientific gibberish. “Nonsense,” said President Bush during the radio interview. “That is just them dumb science nerds trying to confuse people with cold facts when it is faith that is important. If you believe you are saving yourself five minutes, you are saving it and earning interest on it, no matter how many hours it takes you to do the paperwork.”
This article had to come to a stop.
We ran out of time.