Cartoon Craze

Ah, the Danish! They gave us Victor Borge, butter cookies, great ham, Hans Christian Anderson, pastries, some of the first legal porn, Brigitte Nielsen and now they’ve given us Mr. Prophet, 12 different looks at Muhammad with pen and ink.

Eat your heart out Garry Trudeau!

Find a new job, Oliphant!

Caught you with your pants down, Wiley!

Boy they are on the cutting edge, those Danes!

Not wanting to be left behind Iran has found a very “Western” way to get into the act! Don’t get mad, get even! They are looking to a run a series of cartoons on the Holocaust! Now the Jewish people can become as outraged as the Islamics are!

As for Jesus, well anyone who’s anyone knows the Brits did that first when Monty Python brought forth “The Life of Brian” plus “Monty Python and the Holy Grail” which mutated into Spamalot, now on Broadway! You can’t top that, folks! (And did the Pope insist 10 Downing Street apologize for the actions of those bad Monty Python chaps!?) So, Jesus, being all wrapped up in satirical fun, let's take on the Jewish people. No one likes to tread on them. It’s not PC. Besides every Islamic knows that the Jews own the Western Media!

For those of you living under a rock, a Danish newspaper commissioned 12 editorial type cartoonists to portray the great Islamic Prophet Muhammad and boy did they do a number, including one depiction of him with a big black bomb sporting a lighted fuse where his turban goes. That’s giving a whole new twist to the term “rag head!”

Needless to say, the Norwegians (you know, the country that gave us Liv Ullman) got into the act and reprinted them. Then a whole bunch of other newspapers either reprinted them or carried a picture of all 12 pictures from the original newspaper.

Needless to say, the even minded, peaceful, benevolent, ever tolerant Muslim world blew a fuse and started torching Danish Embassy buildings, burning cartoonists in effigy and getting all riled. And worse, blaming Americans! They burn down the Danish Embassy and chant “God is Great Down With America!”

Hey, guys, we didn’t print those pictures in our newspapers! We didn’t commission them! We're on the other side of the ocean from those guys! They're ferners! They don't even speak Merican! I mean, given half a chance and a fourth of a brain (which we don’t always have) we might have done it also, but we didn’t! We got beaten out by some great Dane! And after watching the Islamic world toast marshmallows on Danish wood from burning Danish buildings in Iran and Iraq, we weren’t about to touch those cartoons with a 10 foot pole (or a 3 meter Romanian).

I mean, what did we do!?

I mean, yeah, I’m sure a few American cartoonists have had a lot of fun with Osama over the past few years, as possibly did Dennis Miller and SNL. But, hey, we didn’t go putting a bomb helmet on Muhammad in the New York Times or Washington Post. You think those conservative papers have that much moxy?!

And don't try and tell me that every school child knows the capital of Denmark is America. That only happens with students educated in U.S. high schools! Arabs are a lot smarter than that! They invented our numbering system, math and even started the first libraries in the world! Only U.S. students (along with strippers and Playmates of the month) are dumb enough to think that America is the capital of Denmark!

So, now the Islamic world is all riled up and those poor little Arab boys and girls will no longer be able to enjoy a good Danish Butter Cookie with their afternoon tea, as many Islamic countries are now boycotting Danish goods.

I guess they’ll have to start getting their ham from a good ol’ Bible Belt American company like Oscar Meyer!

And they are demanding that Denmark and Norway and Grand Fennwick all apologize for what their newspapers did. Like Denmark is responsible for what a newspaper does! Like Norway is some Fascist country that controls the press. Like Grand Fennwick is a real nation instead of a made up one from an old Peter Sellers movie! Yeah, bah, humbug to you, Ali Baba!

Like the Jews are responsible for these cartoons? Like there's money in that profession? Like it's better than being a Doctor, Dentist or Ambulance chaser? Like why don't you grow up and become a rich, successful editorial cartoonist like your brother Sheldon! Like the Jews own the Norwegian or Danish media? So let's get even by doing a Holocaust spread!? Just because every name in Demark, Norway and Sweden ends with "Man" or "Berg" or starts with "Stein" doen't mean they own an Orthodonics clinic! I mean, gees, most of these Blonde people with those surname qualify for membership at the best damn Country Clubs in Martha's Vineyard!

Hey, Ayatollah, Mad Magazine beat you too it thirty years ago when they did a parody on “Hogan’s Hero’s.” That one ended up with them all transferring from Stalag 13 to Auschwitz!

Be more original. Go pick on Buddha or Krishna or Brigham Young!

That’s a good one, no one’s ever lampooned Brigham Young! Draw a picture of him smoking a cigarette and drinking a Coca Cola! Boy, that'll outrage the Western world and cause Utah to stop importing Falafal, Pita bread and seseme seeds!

Least we not forgot all those Iranians a few years back that were sporting Jimmy Carter and Ronald Reagan masks! Remember those as they burned and pillage the American Embassy in Tehran and held us hostage for months and months! Yeah, they have no sense of humor. They don't do things for free speech. Yeah, like they don't think we knew how funny looking Carter and Reagan was without their help! Yeah, they don't parody the rest of the world. Naw, they're all Holy and Pious!

Yeah, like we all know how civilized, peaceful and tolerant that part of the world is. They make the IRA look like choir boys!

They’re just using this as a flimsy excuse to justify enriching Uranium!

Well, Denmark, I hope you’re satisfied! Look at that new shinny chip you gave the Iranians in the world poker championship!

Now, to make everything PC again, we have to let them build the bomb!

Yeah, right. Good going!

No more Danish pastries for me! Only good ol’ ‘Merican Twinkies from now on in!

(And I'll never go back to the Brigitte Nielsen film festival ever again, so there!)

Editors Note: The Danish pastry Brigitte Nielsen was once married to Sylvester Stalone and appeared in his film "Cobra," but is probably best remembered from the Eddie Murphy vehicle "Beverly Hills Cop 2" as the femal villian...


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