Physh Phur

With the secret of alligator fur being released to the world by Mount Perry’s arch villain Prof. Nas T. Noogle, the Great Mount Perry Fur Company has been forced to search for an alternate source of fur to export. This has lead to the introduction of Physh Phur.

Physh Phur is the result of genetic manipulation by our resident genetics expert, Dr. Gene Splicer. In his experiment he has taken genetic material from a sheep and spliced it with genetic material from a common Sperm Whale. The resulting creature is about the size of a normal Sperm Whale but its covered with very soft long golden hair. The creature is docile enough to be herded in large groups in shallow water by using two or three trained Dog Fish.

Of course the person charged with the maintenance of these herds could not truly be called a Shepherd. A new more descriptive word had to be found. Searching the archives of the Mount Perry Public Library yielded a possible solution. If the shepherd was called shepherd because he herded sheep, why couldn’t we call the whale herder a Whaleherd? After due consideration, the Mount Perry Literary Association has added the word, “Whaleherd”, to the English language.

It took only about ten years for the first Physh Phur to be harvested in any useable quantity. Australian and New Zealand sheep shearers herded the whales into holding pens in shallow water where they awaited shearing. These shearers were especially brought into the country during their slack season for just this purpose.

Of course there were a few minor problems to overcome. Normally, the sheep would be held in a sitting position during the shearing. This forces the sheep to become docile so it can be sheared with ease. Naturally, holding the sheep in this position for too long has been known to be fatal to the sheep. Great care must be taken to accomplish the shearing quickly so as not to over stress the sheep.

There were other minor technical problems to be overcome, among them the use of electric shears. It seems the first shearer into the water was carrying his electric sheep shearing shears with him. He was promptly electrocuted but it caused the Phur on all the whales to stand straight out from the skin making it easier to shear.

The next problem was how one man could get the whale into a sitting position without help. The first man to try this was Mr. G’day Blue from Sidney, Australia. He sneaked up behind the whale and jabbed it the bottom with a sharp stick. The whale, startled by the jab, jumped straight up out of the water and landed on it’s tail. Unfortunately it couldn’t balance there long enough to be sheared and it fell over on G’day. He is honored posthumously each year by the entire Physh Phur industry.

After several unsuccessful attempts a method was found to shear the whales and sufficient Phur was harvested to make enough material for a test showing of clothing made from Physh Phur. Twenty very high priced models were hired from a Paris Clothing Salon and flown to Mount Perry to model the clothing made by the newly formed Mount Perry Physh Phur Phroks Manufacturing Company.

Fifty or so dresses complete with underwear were produced to the exact dimensions of each model who would be wearing the outfit. Every stitch of cloth draped on the model was made from Physh Phur. The material proved to be strong, wrinkle resistant, stain proof and very soft to the touch. It had a silk like quality to it. The models were delighted to be wearing the material on this first showing.

On the day of the extravaganza, a huge stage was set up near the grounds of Mount Perry Physh Phur Phroks Manufacturing Company. All of the world’s media were represented and it was to be a gala event for all concerned.

The models were very pleased with the clothing produced from the Physh Phur. It was, before staining, an opaque golden color that clung to the body like a metallic fabric. As the models left their dressing room and started for the stage the first minor problem developed. It seems the hot Mount Perry, Florida sun caused the models to sweat a little. The sweat reacted to the new material and produced a rather strong fish smell, which attracted every cat in Mount Perry.

This problem was quickly overcome by spraying each model with a strong deodorant. The kitty cats were rounded up and contained at the Mount Perry Dog Pound until the festivities could be completed.

Then it rained. It rained hard. It rained Very hard. Right there in front of the entire world the Mount Perry Physh Phur fabric dissolved and left each and every model wearing the material, naked as a “J Bird”. It seems there was one little detail Dr. Splicer left out of his report. The material is stable only in salt water. In fresh water it rapidly dissolves.

Frankly, it was a fun climax to an otherwise boring exhibition.


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