How to Get LOTR an Oscar or Two

The LOTR movies were excellence in filmmaking. However, the movie industry has a way of bypassing fantasy movies for more mainstream fair. Some people just don't understand them, or want to take the time to understand the deep meanings in them.

It is up to us LOTR lovers to bring the movies down to their level, especially those on the west coast. They don't have to see the movies, but if they think they know what they are about, they are more likely to vote for them for an Academy Award.

So I have provided a few ways to describe The Lord of the Rings for those who are not into fantasy reading:

To The Valley Girl: Its a movie about this guy who, like, gets some ugly jewelry for his birthday, and ya know, has to take it back and exchanges it for an ocean cruise.

To The Surfer: Like, totally surfing dude, with like gnarly (I am using that term instead of the politically incorrect reference to feminine canines) long blonde hair like, surfs everything. I mean this dude surfs a freaking huge elephant.

To The Democrat: Itís a political satire, where the little man, with the help of a bunch of eco-terrorists in the forest, and some native peoples, totally destroys a fascist dictator and his industrial robber-baron underling.

To The Republican: Itís a political morality tale where the son of a previous leader fights the evil sacrilegious empire to become king of the world. He manages the forests for the economic betterment of Man. He has high moral and family values, and a strong conservative outlook, taking his wayward country from the hands of cowardly and decadent liberals oligarchs and returning it to its rightful dominate roll in the world.

To President Bush: The hero finishes a war his forefathers were unable to complete (though they were victorious), and by being victorious, creates a totally new world order.

To Howard Dean (or Democratic contender of your choice: The White Council represents the UN. Gondor is the US. Sauron is Al Queda. Denethor (Bush) thinks he can defeat Sauron with Gondor Might alone. He is defeated, driven insane by the negative predictions of his staff. Only Aragorn (Dean) with the full support of the White Council (UN) and with allies, especially those Gondor thought were unimportant (Old Europe?), is victory accomplished.

Cheney: I don't understand what it was all about.
You: Um, there was oil under Mordor.
Cheney: Ahhh! Now it all makes sense.

Clinton: I don't understand what it was all about.
You: Um, The new king gets to do the hot elvish chick on top of the tower.
Clinton: Ahhh! Now it all makes sense.

The Musician's PlaceTo Shop!
Instant Gift Certificates!

© 2001-2005 Issues Magazine.
All Rights Reserved.

Get 15 FREE prints!