Once again it’s July 5th and Mount Perry, Florida, is faced with the monumental cleanup from yesterday’s fireworks display. Some spots will remain a bit hot until cooled by the afternoon rains. An optimistic note for those of you complaining about your property being covered with several feet of ash, you are now a bit further above the water table.
As always we had turned control of the entire display over to our resident expert on fireworks displays, Prof. Vol Kanologist. His expertise in the past has always led to a memorable display.
The good professor had needed several weeks to set up the display. This we all knew from past experience was the precursor to a really great effort on the good professor’s part. Every conceivable courtesy was extended to the professor during this time.
We knew we were in for a treat when the many truckloads of explosives began to arrive and wind their way slowly up the slopes of our beloved Mount Perry. One at a time the trucks disgorged their cargo into the crater of our beloved mountain. Prof. Kanologist was on hand to supervise the placing of each crate of explosives.
The explosion had to be just strong enough to cause a minor eruption of Mount Perry, which had been extinct since the 4th of July 2000. After all we didn’t want our beloved mountain to really pop it’s top and cause the Swamp County Court House to slide off the rim of the crater into the lava pool as it had done some years previous.
There were to have been several detonations in the crater with the last explosion being just enough to tease a bit of a hiccup out of our beloved mountain. The piles of explosives were stacked at several strategic points around the floor of the crater next to the lava pool.
Then on July 4th 2001, Prof. Vol Kanologist was heard to issue his final instructions to Mount Perry’s town idiot, Yodar Hoopelhoffer. It was simplicity itself and something even Yodar could understand. Handing Yodar a match, Prof. Kanologist said, “Light the damn fuse and GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!”
Who could have guessed Yodar had thought to be helpful and tied all the fuses together. The resulting explosion brought Mount Perry back to life with a monumental roar. Lava, foul smelling gasses, smoke and ash flew thousands of feet into the air. Naturally, what goes up must come back down, — most of the time.
The ash and smoldering bits of rock rained down on Mount Perry for hours. The hot rocks caused roof fires all over town and the supermarket was almost immediately sold out of Hot Dogs and Marshmallows.
The earthquake, which followed the blast, caused most of the remaining buildings to collapse and our beloved mountain settled into the swamp by about four inches. No one is quite sure about this point however as the lava flowing out of the top of Mount Perry and the resultant accumulation of ash in the streets made accurate measurement almost impossible.
As the snowcap melted there was a mudslide down the North face of Mount Perry, which spread out over the Mount Perry International Airport causing some scheduled landings to be delayed. Those pilots whose visibility was obscured by the smoke and ash were allowed to land on schedule.
The pyroclastic flow down the West face of Mount Perry did little damage except to scorch a few acres of swamp. It did however reach the Gulf of Mexico. The resulting Tsunami is expected to affect every coastal area on the Gulf of Mexico with tides at least thirty feet above normal. To those folks along the coast we say, “Sorry about that and have a HAPPY FORTH OF JULY!”
The cleanup here in Mount Perry is expected to continue until next forth of July when we will try again. As planned, the Swamp County Court House remains perched on the South East rim of the crater, just above the lava pool. Fortunately the wind was out of the South East and there wasn’t even any ash to clean off the courthouse.