Subject: I am back
I never should have freed you from the vulture, despite my steroid taking son’s heroics. I ignored your snotty, stuck up behavior over the past millennia because of your wise council in the past. However, I can no longer hold back my anger. When you had those intrusive rockets fired into My heavens, I forgave you--even when you called them Titans. When you had that cartoonist friend name one of his dogs after my dear brother, I enjoyed the joke. Yet you have gone too far. Your behavior over the past few decades has been extremely disrespectful. Your “corporation” has infuriated several other family members, and they insisted that I resume my position as leader, and curb your behavior.
Consider this an official order. Resign immediately as CEO, and have your board of trustees appoint me in your place or I shall be forced to actions that will be unpleasant to us both, though especially to you. As we used to say--”Heed my words or SUFFER MY WRATH! I am from the old school. I know how to make you suffer.
To: Skyfather@ Elysianfield.org
Subject: I am back.
It is nice to hear from you. Your presence and skill have always been my role model. As I become supreme ruler of my little organization, it is in your steps that I am following. I do appreciate your point of view, and I would agree to step down if I thought it were necessary. It is not. Furhter, turning my prosperous, forward thinking, pro-business organization over to you and your ultraconservative, ultimate old-school practices would be a disservice to my stockholders, and my partners. I am afraid I must decline your offer.
This does not mean that there is no place for you in our enterprises. Your elder vitality and charisma would make you a great male sex symbol. Your wisdom and commanding presence suggests a career in politics would suit you well. There are many places on our team in which you would do very well. I know you are feeling rejected, angered and frustrated right now, so we can discuss these offers at a later date.
I believe your anger may incite you to attack me and my partners. Let me remind you that your expertise is in the area of weather. You bring the gentle rains and the mighty storms. Big deal. Go ahead and release some stress by hurling your lightning and flooding the valleys. We are very well insured by Mutual Fates of Athens. It is funny to think that the Fates have given up weaving to become actuaries. Where once they wove the thread of life into a beautiful tapestry, they now sit at their desks and crunch numbers. Where once they were the Maiden, Mother, and Crone they are now the Assistant Manager, Manager, and VP.
Back to the subject at hand. Yesterday we bought a controlling interest in the stock of Mutual Fates of Athens. This puts the Fates on my side. Even you, Mighty Zeus, cannot challenge the Fates.
Please feel free to contact me again when you have calmed down, and I will describe the various places a manager of your record can find in our team.
SUBJECT: A fatherly warning
It has been a long time since you’ve graced my presence with your glorious brilliant self. Long I have cried “Where is my Apollo? Where is my Musician, my Light, my Son?” You are working with that damnable Prometheus. How can you degrade yourself by working with that traitor of a Titan. No one in his circle are themselves anymore. Dionysius has gotten as pretentious as a vintage bottle of California Chablis. Demeter is so bloated on preservatives and genetically altered fat that Hades doesn’t want her to visit anymore. What has this modern corruptible situation done to you?
Your twin sister really misses you. Artemis, along with your uncle Poseidon, Flora, Fauna, and several of the others have gotten together to form an ecological alliance. The various corporate entities that are owned by Olympia Inc. are destroying lands and oceans that are of prime concern to these dear relatives. They are begging me, as your rightful lord and master, to ensure Olympia behaves in an ecologically sound way. I am asking for your help in convincing Prometheus the Traitor to relinquish his chairmanship. If not, I will be forced to exercise my powers to convince him. I would hate for you to be caught in the midst of my enforcement.
It was pleasant communicating with you again.
Dear Zeus, I hope you don’t mind but I intercepted your last message to Apollo. I thought that would be your next move. I did not do it to cause any problems, but to stop any bad feelings from growing between you and your beloved son.
Let me explain, besides being patron the Sun, Apollo has several other areas of expertise that have proven quite useful. As Apollo the Far Shooter, he transferred much of his time from Archery to Fire Arms. That has brought him a wonderful profit. More impressive, as healer, and master of disease, he has found more worshippers than you have ever had. For decades he’s enjoyed the calls to his newest name--Ay Em Ay. Under my help he’s rediscovered the fear and dread we used to cause among the mortals, under his new name Aych Em Ohh. He has been too busy crafting new cures, and new diseases, to care about whatever Artemis and her liberal friends are crying about.
The main reason he won’t be interested in joining you is your association with Pan and Hermes. The third biggest movent Apollo has fostered in the last century is the organization of music. Apollo, Patron of the Lyre, has grown to become Apollo, Patron of the Guitar and the Synthesizer. More importantly, Apollo Patron of the Bards and Musicians, is insistent on appropriate payment for the hard work of all musicians, and appropriate payment to his temple--the modern music industry. Hermes, Patron of Hackers, and Pan a minor Patron of Music, but also God of Chaos, are the forces behind Napster and free music trading. Apollo is greatly angered about that. If he could get Pan in the sights of his newest hunting rifle, we’d be enjoying roast goat flank at our next corporate dinner.
Finally, I must laugh at your continued threats. You are master of the heavens, and storms. What are you going to do, release Typhon upon us? Throw stars at us? I must put this to you plainly--your time is over old man. You were the greatest, when weather was to be feared, and the heavens were a mystery. Today the farthest heavens are mere trivia questions for academians, and your storms can be stopped by good strong steel and concrete. As the philandering father you are only the Patron of deadbeat dads. Join us, for that is a title that has some respect behind it these days. Join us, but skip the bluster.
YOU HAVE GONE TO FAR! You have broken a great taboo of our Internet age. I am completely justified in the terrible actions I must now do, as punishment for the sin you have created. As Paris destroyed the Guest/Host bond millennia ago, and was punished--as Tantalus and as Sysyphus broke their taboos, and were punished, so you, who have broken this sacred bond, must be punished. You dared to interfere with the sanctity of anothers e-mail. Hermes, Patron of messengers/communications and Patron of Thieves, hence Patron of Hackers has NEVER dared to violate that most sacred of Electronic Rights. You dare too much.
I, Zeus, lord of Olympus, I who sees all and knows all, condemn you and shall punish you rightly. I, Zeus, Lightning Thrower, am completely vindicated in doing what I must now do.
#1 Mt. Olympus Bled
It has come to our attention that you have threatened the life and livelihood of Mr. Prometheus. Let us explain that Mr. Prometheus has hired our firm for just such situations. Your electronic letter is a blatant threat which is quite illegal in this country. Your attempt at extortion is a federal offense. Further, your use of phrases like “sees all” and “knows all” clearly implicates you in breaking the anti-stalking laws which are so severally punished today. I know several judges who would love to send someone with your blatant antisocial behavior away for life, and that is a very long time. My client will not prosecute you for these crimes unless other threats or similar libel is sent to him again. We are in the process of obtaining a court order requiring you to stay at least 5 kilometers away from my client at all times. Obey it or face even more litigation. We suggest you leave our client alone and find somewhere else to indulge in your delusions.
Ms. P. Athena
Anu, Athena, Varuna & Moses
Attorney’s at Law
PS Dad, if you think my birth was a painful, go ahead and take us to court. I’ll show you what a real headache I can be. Athena.
ATTENTION ALL USERS:
CRITICAL SYSTEM FAULT
SERVER SHUTTING DOWN
(Z A P-- z)
1000 Spartan Way
Olympia, WA 98501
Dear Mr. Prometheus
Enclosed you will find the bill for our data recovery attempts. I am sorry to say that we were unable to retrieve any data on any of the computers in your entire network. In all my years as a computer specialist I have never seen anything like this. Its as if the god of lightning danced around your entire network. Even you personal palm pilot is completely fried.
All backups are similarly erased. Restoring your system from the emergency data locked away in the salt domes of Kansas will take days. There is a funny note on that as well. It seems someone broke into your data storage bins and erased one of your backup tapes. It was not the most important tape, but one labeled “Prometheus Private Collection, Nude Young Nymphs of Hellespont.”
Those backups are copied before they are shipped back to your system. I just received word that a set of those copies were struck by a storm while traveling to the airport. Its likely everything was erased again. This will add 3 days to our restart time. Hopefully the next set of copies will get through.
I feel bad requiring payment from your organization when you are facing such a crisis, and we have not been able to help. However, my company has put in long overtime hours attempting the resurrection of your system. You still owe the doctor, even if he doesn’t make you well. I have several other clients who have been similarly struck, the giant law firm of Anu, Athena, Varuna & Moses, ASCAP, Mutual Fates of Athens, and three of the biggest HMO’s in the country. However, you are our primary client, and it is you we are spending our time attempting to heal first.
Thanks for your quick response to our invoice. I will keep you updated.
Mr. Miles Fendish
D-Best Data Doctors Inc.
The E-Street Journal
Today's Top Business News:
New CEO of Olympia Inc.
With a unanimous decision of the board of directors, Mr. Zeus Skyfather was appointed head of the crippled conglomerate Olympia, Inc. Since the news of the devastating and total collapse of their computer network last week, this corporation stock has taken severe hits, dropping to a fourth of its pre-disaster high. To solve this dilemma, Mr. Skyfather has been brought in. He guarantees that the companies data assets will be better protected from any future electrical disturbances. Meanwhile, Mr. P. Titan, ex CEO, has retired to a small Greek island, where he’s taken up the hobby of bird watching. He seems to favor Raptors. Due to a dismal severance package he has been left all but naked and chained to the cliffs that surround his isle.